Managing Toddler Tantrums: 10 Strategies That Actually Work

Why Do Toddlers Have Tantrums?

Understanding why tantrums happen can help you respond more effectively. Toddlers throw tantrums because:

• They lack the language skills to express their feelings
• They're testing boundaries and asserting independence
• They have big emotions but limited emotional regulation skills
• They're tired, hungry, overstimulated, or unwell
• Their brain development means they struggle with impulse control

10 Strategies That Actually Work

1. Stay Calm (Even When It's Hard)

Your toddler is looking to you to help them regulate their emotions. If you respond with anger or frustration, it escalates the situation. Take deep breaths, count to ten, and remind yourself: "This is normal toddler behaviour, not a reflection of my parenting."

2. Validate Their Feelings

Even if the reason for the tantrum seems silly to you, your toddler's feelings are real and big. Try saying: "I can see you're really upset that we can't have ice cream right now. That's disappointing." Validation doesn't mean giving in—it means acknowledging their emotions.

3. Keep Them Safe

During a tantrum, your priority is safety. If they're kicking or hitting, gently move them to a safe space. Remove any objects they could hurt themselves with. Sometimes simply sitting nearby while they ride out the storm is the best approach.

4. Use Distraction (For Younger Toddlers)

With toddlers under 2, distraction can work wonders. "Oh look, is that a birdie outside?" or "Shall we read your favourite book?" can sometimes redirect their attention before a full meltdown begins.

5. Offer Choices

Toddlers crave control and independence. Offering choices gives them a sense of power within safe boundaries: "Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the red shirt?" "Would you like to walk to the car or shall I carry you?"

6. Establish Consistent Routines

Many tantrums happen because toddlers thrive on predictability. Consistent routines for meals, naps, and bedtime help them know what to expect, reducing anxiety and meltdowns.

7. Watch for Triggers

Keep a mental note of when tantrums most often occur. Is it when your toddler is hungry? Tired? During transitions? Once you identify patterns, you can prevent some tantrums by addressing needs before meltdowns begin.

8. Teach Emotional Vocabulary

Help your toddler build their emotional vocabulary: "You seem frustrated," "I can see you're angry," "You look sad." Books about feelings are great tools. The more words they have for emotions, the less they need to tantrum.

9. Don't Negotiate During a Tantrum

If you give in to demands during a tantrum, you teach your toddler that tantrums work. Stay firm on your boundaries. You can discuss and problem-solve once they've calmed down, but don't negotiate mid-meltdown.

10. Reconnect After the Storm

Once the tantrum has passed, offer comfort and connection. A hug, some quiet time together, or reading a book helps your toddler feel secure and loved. This is also a good time to talk about what happened (in simple terms) and practise better ways to handle big feelings.

When to Seek Help

While tantrums are normal, there are times when professional support might be helpful:

• Tantrums are increasing in frequency or intensity over time
• Your child regularly hurts themselves or others during tantrums
• Tantrums persist well beyond the toddler years (past age 4-5)
• You feel consistently overwhelmed or unable to cope

Your Maternal and Child Health Nurse, GP, or a child psychologist can provide support and guidance.

Remember: This Phase Will Pass

It might not feel like it in the moment, but tantrums are a sign of healthy development. Your toddler is learning about emotions, boundaries, and independence. By responding with patience, empathy, and consistency, you're teaching them valuable skills that will serve them for life.

And on those really tough days? Give yourself grace. Parenting a toddler is one of the hardest jobs there is. You're doing better than you think.